Hello, I spend a lot of time on the Internet.

I spend a lot of time on the Internet. Some days the guilt is too much to bear - it starts with an all encompassing feeling of self-loathing which makes all the atoms on my skin emit body odor which only I can smell. I can tell you through experience that it is not pleasant - at all. 

If there ever is a job called an 'Internet Explorer' (not as slow as the Microsoft version), remember, I called it first. I am a professional clicker. I click like a pro - only that it does not capture anything. It is far away from being permanent. Portals after portals after portals open - I don't even need to hear Stephen Hawking - talking about black holes, because I am perpetually stuck in one - A meaningless object which has all the meanings of the universe. I open tabs after tabs after tabs after tabs; and then I hear my mother shout my name from the other room; I close tabs after tabs after tabs after tabs. I know I abuse my browser. But there is no law against it. So I do it anyways. 

I find people more talented than myself. Or so I have been made to believe, because businesses which sell self-motivation have convinced me that I am never going to reach the impossible standards that even they have never reached. So I believe in someone else's dreams of becoming someone else. 

I spend a lot of time staring. Thank god, it's just at the screen. And screens don't mind being stared at. If they did, there would be something called 'Screeninism' - screens voicing their concerns of men, women, lesbians, gays, transsexuals, bisexuals, pan-sexuals, queer ones, children, oldies, animals, reptiles, micro-organisms ogling at them. If there is ever something called 'Screeninism', remember, I called it first. 

I feel the need to constant remind you that it was me who did it first, because there is no way to find out on the Internet- who did it and who did not, what came first and what came thereafter, what is real and what is not.